OMG Guys - I'm Alive!!

And let me tell you so much has gone on in my life since I have been away, it's been a bit of a rough a crazy journey lately - it's pushed me back into my art, my jewelry, and my creative side by force. This might be a bit long so jump off here if you don't have a lot of time...

But when I started here years ago and when I started my business over 5 years ago, I still had a dreamer mindset. That everything in the world was possible as long as you tried hard enough. That in the end everything would be ok, that talent, love and ambition would really conquer all. Well, today, I'm sad to say it's hard for me to believe any of these things anymore. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for about 6 months now, and I never considered myself a sad person. I was always hopeful and happy, but it's been hard for me to stay this way since I graduated college in May.

I've had a really hard time finding a "real" job in my field and a really hard time adapting to this new stage in my life. When I started college, I started because I felt it would make my parents happy, but I have always been so much of a creative person that I decided I would be happy majoring in art. But after a couple semesters in art school, I found that I didn't really fit in there. No one understood me, everyone was pretentious and I had no friends. 

I decided the "safe" route would be to switch to business school, and it would also make my parents really happy once again because my dad had gone to the same school during his tenure there. Plus, I had started Fatally Feminine Designs, so I figured it would help me learn how to give my business a real chance of success. I spent 2 and half years there writing business plans and doing analysis, making my parents gleam with admiration when their friends asked what I was doing. I graduated with honors and had my bachelors degree in 2012. 

After graduation, I felt like I was ready to work full time in something I felt passionate about, which was either continuing design or starting a small kawaii goods shop. But, my parents pushed me into graduate business school and I felt overwhelmed and caved to the pressure. I went knowing it was never my dream but that it made them happy. I graduated with my master's degree this past May, much bragging and congratulating was done, but I couldn't figure out why all of a sudden I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't eat and I had anxiety all day long. 

I once again felt intense pressure to conform to other's ideals for my life, and in spite of the still poor economy, to get a job (any job) right away. So I searched and searched and searched, and interviewed and applied not really wanting it but feeling like I had no choice. 

I ended up getting a full time job in the marketing department of a local jewelry design and manufacturing company and thought it was the perfect "real job" for me considering it combined the office job my parents wanted for me and the "creative" part I wanted. But I when I started there I was never treated as an equal. I was shoved on the back side of someone's cubical (I didn't even have my own cubical), told to sit down and input data in spreadsheet for 8 hours a day. Told I would get training, but after a week there was none. Heard my superiors talking about me behind my back calling me a "little minion". My manager refused to talk to me before 10am and fought to not have to sit next to me. After trying to friend several people and getting shut down, I realized everyone was unhappy there. I was getting paid a very low wage, especially for someone with a Master's degree, and I started getting migraines at 9am everyday coupled with no sleep and anxiety. 

I decided to leave after only a week because I felt like I might just have medical problems if I stayed there any longer due to stress. So after I left, the cycle started all over again - everyone in my life pushed and pushed me to find another job right away. So I've been looking since (it's been about 2 months) but haven't found anything. 

So for now I am focusing on Fatally Feminine Designs once again. I am hoping this time I can do it right. This time I can prove that dreamers can make a living from their art and can prove society wrong. I want to make my parents and family happy. But first and foremost I want to be healthy and lead a balanced happy life. I feel like if my creativity is squashed like it was at that job, my depression and health would only get worse. I think a big problem in society today is that everyone is expected to do and be the same thing no matter if it's best for them or not. I think we should consider that everyone is different and a creative person might need an alternative to the traditional version of success that an office job offers. 

I hope you all will support me through this journey through your comments and love like you always have. And if you have read this entire post - you just totally made my day. Comment if you read, I'd like to know if anyone still reads these Thanks!!

Love Always,

Aubree